


Nighttime Memoir

by hide_if_you_ken



Series: Hidekane Week 2016 [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bullying, Cannibalism, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Day 3, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hidekane Week, Hidekaneweek2016, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Reminiscing, Tragedy, hidekaneweek, i think??, trigger minefield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 21:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7861012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hide_if_you_ken/pseuds/hide_if_you_ken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 3 ––– “Eat at Big Girl” / *Reminiscing* / Last Meal Together<br/>Kaneki looks back on all the steps of the way that lead him to where he was now, tucked safely on Hide's side, watching his bare chest rise and fall as his fingers threaded through his hair. It's been a very long treacherous road, but Kaneki wouldn't take back any step. It ultimately lead him home, and for that he was thankful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nighttime Memoir

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tired I'm sorry I wrote this super fast, it probably has a lot of mistakes I haven't even reread it. I'll fix it after the week is over, so please bear with me till then. Also trigger minefield, read at your own discretion. Enjoy!
> 
> UPDATE: proofread and edited, I don't have a beta so I would greatly appreciate if you point out any mistakes I missed.

Kaneki looked up at Hide from where he was curled against him. It was late, very late. Hide was snoring softly next to him while Kaneki did his nightly ritual.

He reminisced.

How they got where they were now, pressed against each other, soaking in each others' warmth.

He remembered the very first day, the day that so drastically changed the course of his whole life it terrified him. It made his stomach drop thinking just how different everything would've been if only he did one thing differently. If he didn't take a detour on the way home from school. If only that day hadn't been a particularly bad one. If only he didn't decide to sit in front of the river he always thought for hours in front of.

He wouldn't have met him.

It scared him so much he tightened his grip on Hide. He was so scared of losing Hide.

Moonlight spilled from the open window and took over the plains of Hide's face. The light gave the tiny freckles that dusted the blonde's nose and cheeks better definition. Like a million stars peppered on his high cheeks and button like nose. The same nose that'd crinkle slightly whenever Kaneki tried to make a joke. The same cheeks he'd kissed and caressed countless times before.

Kaneki's heart squeezed in affection.

That day had such a bad start but Hide had flipped that around so fast it still left Kaneki speechless. He'd barged into his life, all sunshine and smiles. Loud and clear he'd said "Let's be friends." For the entirety of Kaneki's few years of being alive, no one had ever asked that of him. He'd been so happy, so confused. 

He wanted to ask why but Hide had shown him before he even had the chance. Hide with unrivaled glimmering eyes and one thousand watt grins took care of all Kaneki's worries before Kaneki even noticed them.

Discreetly so that Kaneki wouldn't worry, he'd fixed everything. Kaneki will forever be in his debt.

He still remembered that time he'd been reading silently and his classmates thought it'd be fun to take his book away. Hide had been off in the cafeteria buying lunch while Kaneki waited for him. He was back just in time to witness scene unfolding, Kaneki reaching pathetically for the book with tear-brimmed eyes and the whole class breaking out in giggles and chuckles. Kaneki remembered the anger, the hatred that sparked in Hide's eyes before going away so fast he wondered if he was the only one to see it.

He remembered the way he'd talked them all down so ferociously, all through a venomous smile.

Hide scared him sometimes, the way his smile turned so genuinely sweet when he'd turned to ask Kaneki if he was okay.

The next day there was a bug in everyone's desk but Kaneki's.

He still remembered how he'd hated everyone at his mother's funeral. How every word anyone uttered sounded so empty and pretentious to him that he just wanted to drive everyone away.

Everyone but Hide.

Because Hide didn't pretend it was all ok, he didn't pretend that it'll get better. He had wordlessly hugged Kaneki tight, they didn't need empty words and overused expressions to communicate. Hide conveyed all his emotions in that simple embrace and Kaneki heard it loud and clear.

'I'll always be here for you, I won't go away. I'll never leave your side. Even if everyone else withers away I'll stay firmly planted here, right next to you.'

Kaneki smiled into Hide's shoulder back then, he remembered his aunt's disgust, he remembered not caring at all.

He only needed Hide.

He remembered the moment he realized that yes, he was in love with Hide. The realization had hit him so hard it had made his head spin as he sat in front of Hide on their adjacent desks, eating lunch together. He'd embraced the emotion the moment he felt it and he had never let go ever again. They were only fourteen and most would find it foolish but Kaneki was convinced that this was it. That he'd never feel anything this intense ever again in his life.

Oh, how wrong he'd been.

He still couldn't quite figure out how Hide had gotten his serpent of an aunt to go garbage digging for his books after she'd discarded them herself. She'd been so proud and so arrogant and he just didn't understand how Hide managed to get her in that state.

He'd simply apologized for Hide's magazine. He didn't even mention the books. But Hide saw through him and he did something about it.

After that incident at the age of seventeen and until he'd moved out, his aunt never bothered him again.

Sometimes Hide really scared him.

When they started university Kaneki started to feel threatened. Hide was showing interest in the opposite gender and it worried Kaneki endlessly. Not only because he was admittedly in love with Hide, but also because of the fact that a lover would take up all of Hide's time. Kaneki didn't want to be abandoned. Not again, he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts anymore that he already had to be.

He didn't want to go back to that river and think of how comforting it would be for the water to embrace him and fill his lungs.

Kaneki was starting to get more and more clingy and Hide was worried.

"So, any girl you got your eyes on?" Hide had asked him one day. He still remembered the way his heart sank and the way it squeezed painfully.

"Yeah," Kaneki said, his hand didn't move to his chin. Not because he was interested in that girl that way, but because he wanted to talk about books with her platonically since she seemed to have a similar taste. "At anteiku,"

He still remembered how painful to him the excitement in Hide's face was.

He did notice how unnaturally pushy Hide was being, forcing Kaneki into a date like that. At the time Kaneki was convinced that Hide just wanted to get rid of him. He was so nervous he spent the whole date talking to or about Hide.

He could now laugh about how any girl would want to gently scramble his insides for not shutting up about his crush on their first date.

He just never thought this one would actually do it.

Kamishiro Rize.

Ghouls.

A ghoul's claw.

The doctor poking around.

A clown laughing.

He remembered feeling regret that the last face he'd see wasn't Hide's.

Then he was back, but not really, not ever again. And maybe that had been for the best.

He remembered the alienation he felt, he remembered the soul crushing loneliness, the confusion and the disgust.

He remembered how the thought of Hide had fixed all of that up almost instantly. He had a place to belong, even if the whole world turned its back on him, Hide would always be there wouldn't he. They'd promised when they were ten. They'd promised without words.

He wanted to go back home already.

He remembered the fading light in Hide's eyes with each passing day they weren't together and he'd still do anything to take it all back.

He remembered the dim smiles and the tired eyes accented by deep purple crescents under. He remembered the suffocating guilt and he remembered just how little he did to help.

Hide had never hesitated to help him and Kaneki was just so selfish and took Hide for granted.

He never actually believed Hide would be affected that much by his absence. Not the way he'd found him one day gripping one of the shirts he kept at Hide's apartment and sobbing.

Kaneki had run so fast to Hide's side and tears escaped his own eyes and he pulled Hide tight against him. He'd whispered so many apologies into Hide's hair that night as Hide shook violently against him.

It had been sudden and unexpected when Hide hoarsely whispered "I love you."

Their first kiss had been so messy and tasted like salt and misery. Its tingle was still fresh on Kaneki's lips even now.

Kaneki hadn't even noticed that he didn't reply to Hide's confession at the time.

He still regrets that, even now.

He was taken by Aogiri two days after that, and things became a total blur around him. It was too dangerous to be around Hide and he'd honestly forced himself to believe that even if Hide would suffer from emotional pain it would be better that putting him in physical danger. He couldn't trust the world he was in, hell, he couldn't even trust himself not to hurt Hide.

He'd be strong and endure the loneliness for Hide, he just hoped Hide would do the same.

"Your human friend is a dove now, have you heard?" Tsukiyama had said one day. Kaneki's hair enveloped his face in a white halo as the wind tousled it. He was so tired, he wanted Hide back. It was unfair that he'd only gotten to kiss his warm lips once. He was just so lonely without Hide.

"Lay one hand on him and I'll end you and your whole family line." Kaneki threatened, and if looks could kill, then Taukiyama would've been dead seven times now.

"Woah, calm down Kaneki-kun, I wouldn't even dream of harming your petit ange. I'm just warning you so that he doesn't get eaten up, that line of work is quite dangerous." Tsukiyama raised his arms in a defensive stance.

"Leave." Kaneki just wanted to be alone, if it wasn't Hide, it might as well have been no one.

He still remembered all the smiles Hide had gotten back without him. It killed him to think that Hide didn't need Kaneki like Kaneki needed him. He by no means had any right to complain though, he only caused Hide pain and had been a consistent burden in Hide's life. Hide deserved to be happy in a world away from the mess that was Kaneki Ken.

Kaneki was a dangerous mess.

He still remembered how with every bite into innocent flesh he'd felt less and less human. Less worthy of Hide.

Until at one point he felt like he wasn't even worthy of life itself.

That was when he went to meet the reaper.

On his way though, he was met an unexpected variable.

Hide.

"Yo Kaneki."

Now that he thinks about it, Hide had always been a wild card.

He still remembered how warm his chest felt and then how all the blood in his veins froze and his heart momentarily stopped when he remembered that he was so covered in death and blood it was hard to see anything beyond that.

"I already knew man, I don't care about things like that, let's just go home already!" Hide had been so, so gentle it ached.

How did someone like Hide even exist, never mind actually love him.

His mask fell beneath Hide's tender touch and Kaneki's skin burned pleasantly at the contact.

Their second kiss had the addition of iron. 

He still remembered the way he cried against Hide's lips. How he held him tightly and yet begged him to run. How the smell of warm flesh drove him insane.

"Eat me Kaneki." Was all the convincing that kind of Kaneki needed to sink his teeth into the flesh of Hide's shoulder.

He still continues to apologize to Hide for that, even now.

He still remembered the way Hide had watched him from a distance, how his eyes watered every time they met his own.

He still remembered the way his whole face crumbled when Haise smiled at him, as if at a stranger. 

He still regretted his weakness and the way his mind willingly repressed the painful memories, even now.

He still regretted how his mind slowly remembered each face from his past, each name, each story, but still couldn't remember the blonde boy's.

The first one had been Kaneki. Kaneki Ken was the first face Haise remembered. The first name he pasted to a face from the life he couldn't remember.

Then it was Nishio, he'd remembered the moment he fought him. 

Next was Touka, when he drank anteiku's coffee.

Then came Hinami when she saved him.

Tsukiyama as they fought.

Banjou, Yomo, Uta, Ayato, Arima.

Who was the blond leader of the intelligence department to him.

He had to ask, so he did.

"They say if something wasn't important enough then no matter how hard you try to remember you won't." The painful smile the boy gave him tugged at his heart in both nostalgia and sympathy. He'd hurt him before as he was now. Kaneki really was awful.

He remembered after fighting the owl candidate.

He remembered all the awful things he did to Hide, all his regrets.

He remembered all their sloppy messy kisses, so full of anguish and always salty with tears. Why can't they just be happy like everyone else?

He wouldn't make the same mistake again, never again.

The second he got off of the fighting ground he went running to Hide and slammed into him. "I'm so sorry Hide, oh my god, I'm the absolute worst and I don't deserve you but Hide please forgive me." He was sobbing and after a while he realized Hide was as well.

"I thought I'd have to live my whole life looking at you being happy without me." Hide had said in a coarse whisper. "Kaneki, I was so lonely without you." Hide had been shaking so hard Kaneki wondered if there had been an earthquake at the time.

"Hide I thought I killed you. You were too important to me Hide, I couldn't live with the memory, with the guilt. It was too painful and too significant to me." Kaneki tried to explain.

"It's alright, I know Kaneki. I'm sorry I worried you so much." Hide smiled and suddenly it was bright and beautiful once more, the world.

"Hide, I love you so much, please never leave me." Kaneki whispered.

"You said it." Hide said in wonder and Kaneki's heart broke at thought of Hide worrying about the words.

"I'm so sorry it took me so long." Kaneki's lips trembled.

"No, Kaneki it's alright. I already knew. We don't need words remember?" Kaneki knew he was referring to his mother's funeral.

Kaneki leaned in and all the affection pooled in his heart was spilled onto Hide's lips in a tender kiss. It was so painfully slow and sweet that Kaneki could've cried.

And he did.

They sat there for hours, after hours in the intelligence department of the CCG building, with only a few whispered words between tears and long gentle kisses.

Kaneki wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Maybe excluding the part where Saiko walked in on them during one of the more sensual kisses they've had that evening.

Kaneki hadn't left early in the morning before Hide awoke, like the old him would've done. He had lain next to Hide for a long time, his fingers brushing through Hide's soft fluffy locks. He smiled as he recalled the events of that night, it had been their first and Kaneki's whole body still buzzed with Hide.

When Hide finally rose he'd smiled goofily at him with a murmured, "Hey."

"Hey." Kaneki had grinned back and sighed softly when he felt Hide's warm lips on the skin between his shoulder and neck.

"Kaneki.." Hide had whispered against the skin and Kaneki shivered.

"Hide," Kaneki had to talk now otherwise he never would.

Hide pulled back, sensing the seriousness in Kaneki's tone.

"Hinami will be discarded of in two days. I need to save her Hide." He'd whispered, their foreheads against one another.

"I'll help then." Hide smiled softly, and rolled over so he was on top of Kaneki. "This is the kind of reason I became the head of the CCG intelligence department." He nibbled at the skin at the end of Kaneki's jaw, near his ear.

"Hide, if we do this then we can never go back ever again." Kaneki warned but his voice was thick with the need for Hide.

"As long as I'm with you I don't care, even if the whole world became my enemy." Hide had proclaimed so confidently that Kaneki had simply yielded and dropped his head back to allow Hide full access to any patch of skin of his body.

They didn't have breakfast that day. 

They came up with the plan together, they'd wait for the Rushima operation to commence before they'd do anything. Kaneki would still have to fight Arima, but Hide told him that Arima wouldn't hurt him, not when he knew what he meant to Hide.

Kaneki had wondered for a very long time what Hide's connection to Arima was.

He now knew it was brotherhood and camaraderie. Sunlit Garden.

He'd given Arima the fight he deserved and mourned him as the crescent moon on his neck cried blood onto the hem of his shirt.

His father died, again, but this time in his arms.

He had saved everyone this time, because Hide had been there. Because they'd been together, and they had been stronger than either of them could've been apart.

They did it. Everyone was safe. All that was left was the QS and Kaneki was sure they were strong enough to handle anything.

Oh how wrong he'd been.

Mutsuki he.. The Mutsuki they all knew and loved was no longer there.

Kaneki remembered how similar he'd looked to his own reflection without Hide next to it.

But thankfully, Mutsuki had already had a Hide in his life, Urie had helped him through every step of recovery and Kaneki was so proud his eyes watered.

He remembered Saiko clinging to his trench coat as he said goodbye, he wouldn't be able to stay with them, he was a fugitive and probably a war catalyst in the near future.

Saiko had cried and screamed, her face pressed against the small of Kaneki's back. Kaneki had kneeled down under Hide's worried gaze and cupped Saiko's tear stained face.

"After it's all over," he'd said in the most gentle voice he could muster. "I'll come back for you I promise. We'll all live together like before, just promise me to stay safe until then." He'd offered her his pinky and a smile and Saiko had curled her smaller one around it and gave him a kiss on the nose to seal the deal.

He still remembered how Hide's eyes had softened until they were like molten chocolate and he still remembered how his own heart squeezed and how his eyes watered.

He'd kissed her cheek and watched as the QS waved him off with teary eyes and he will never forget the way Urie's lip trembled as he held Mutsuki closer.

He still remembered the way Hide had taken his hand reassuringly and lead him to the van where Touka and the others were waiting.

He still remembered the way Hide had squeezed his hand, a new beginning. After this. They would be able to live freely and without worrying ever again.

That choice might have been the best he'd ever made.

He still remembered a heavily wounded Eto being carried by Uta with Donato by his side. He still remembered the way Uta had swayed the clowns into joining Kaneki's side.

He is still grateful, even now.

He hadn't trusted Uta at the time, he simply trusted in the bond between him and Yomo. He knew when Uta came running to a wounded Yomo's side, his eyes frantic, that Uta would never do a thing to hurt Yomo.

That was proven to be true when Uta had helped put an end to the world while making sure Yomo healed properly.

Everything was coming together in his life and Kaneki had been so full of hope.

It was a very happy way to live.

He remembered the way Hide had held his hand through every step of the way. How Hide had kissed him, drawn out gentle kisses every time Kaneki hesitated. How Hide had held his face in his palms and kissed every inch of it, whispering over and over again how well Kaneki was doing and how proud he was. How much he  
loved him.

He remembered how much he'd loved the way Hide used to lay on his chest and draw invisible patterns on his bare arm as Kaneki described their future with bright eyes. He still remembered the way Hide's mouth curled against the skin of his shoulder in a small smile.

He still remembered how tight Hide had hugged him once it was all over. He still remembered Hide's incredulous laughter against his own mouth. The way their bodies fit so perfectly together as the saw the end of it all.

The beginning they sought.

Together they'd destroyed the world and gave birth to it anew, vivid and colorful.

He still remembered the way his heart sank when Hide finally disclosed how he had so much influence. Washuu's illegitimate child, he'd said with a sad smile. The child they'd do anything to hide the existence of. Kaneki remembered the way terror had gripped him as he forced the question out of his mouth.

"Are you a demi-human or a half ghoul?"

"Neither." Hide had answered with a distant look on his face.

"Human?" Kaneki had asked, his heart beating so hard it hurt.

"No." Had been Hide's answer with a tone of finality.

Kaneki still doesn't know what Hide is, even now.

All he knew is that after that night, he tried to shower Hide with as much love as he could. He was scared, he was so scared every single day that Hide's hair would loose color too fast like Arima's. He was terrified of losing Hide to whatever stupid experiment the Washuus were responsible for.

That's why their nights were always overflowing with so many emotions that Kaneki couldn't sleep after. He'd just stare at Hide and think.

Just like tonight.

He was still tingling all over, even as his heart felt like ice with fear.

Every day, he lived in the constant reminder that he shouldn't take what he has for granted. Things won't stay the way they are, even if he screamed for them to. That's why he thought, why not live everyday to the fullest if we don't even know if tomorrow will be coming.

He stared at the boy he was tucked against for hours on end, until the warm rays of the sun crawled onto Hide's face and he stirred.

He watched the way his lashes absorbed the light and casted a shadow onto his cheek, the way his eyes blinked awake slowly and he smiled softly at Kaneki.

Kaneki's heart melted.

"Morning." Hide yawned.

"Mm." Kaneki hummed softly and Hide leaned to kiss his cheek.

"You should take better care of yourself Kaneki, if you don't sleep properly your body is going to give out." Hide chastised.

"I'll try." Kaneki replied. Hide taught him to stop apologizing for every single thing.

"I'll cook breakfast, take it easy alright?" He offered.

"Yeah, I'll be taking a bath then." Kaneki went to the bathroom thinking how many times he'd seen this loop repeat. It scared him. Tonight the same scenario will unfold but he was going to be alright.

They had been through so much todether already for something like that to scare them.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll go sleep now, good night. Or day. Let me hear your thoughts please, bye bye.


End file.
